Slowly Accepting The Fact That I Dream of Slow-Living in a Hustle Hard World

 
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Today I woke up at 9 AM. Almost 10, if I wanna be super honest. Then went on to have my 3 hour morning routine.

Nowadays, when the word success comes in my head, it automatically makes me think of slow mornings. I love them so much. Maybe I’ve just romanticized it a lot but I can tell how different my days go and how much happier I am when I’ve started it taking my time. I’m so lucky I get to design my days so I can have this luxury.

Don’t get me wrong. I have big dreams. Like, dreams that scare me so much sometimes because how on earth am I gonna make them happen?! (Spoiler alert: It’s not our job to know the “how” but that’s for another post!) It’s just that the longer I walk this journey and the more kinds of different “success” I encounter, my version gets redefined more and more.

When I reflect on when are the times I’m happiest, I always go back to moments that are so still and in slow motion.

Like my chamomile tea as I wind down at the end of the day. Filling pages after pages in my journal reflecting on every single emotion. Working on the things I love without any pressure. My little solo dance parties. Holding my mom’s hands. Dimmed lights. Watching people at my favorite coffee shops.

It’s taking me a while to admit it to myself and be okay with this because I just didn’t identify with it.

I’m someone who watches Gary Vaynerchuk more often than I’m willing to admit. I have the “if you’re not adding to my growth, get outta my way” spirit. I’d spend money traveling solo to another city just to see Tony Robbins. I’m always on business workshops and seminars and I may or may not have written a 10 page document for my 5 year vision that I go to everyday. This girl is a dreamer, no doubt. Also, I’ve made it my mission in life to make others feel that the can achieve absolutely anything their heart desires. I always want to be someone who tells people to dream big and do more and be more.

But I’m realising as time passes that dreaming of big dreams and dreaming of a slow life aren’t exclusive. They can co-exist. And we always always get to define success in our own terms. And that it will be ever changing.

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When I think of travel, I don’t imagine backpacking 4 different countries and 7 cities in six weeks. I would rather stay in one place, learn the language, meet the locals and live like they do. Eat like they do instead of barely experiencing the surface of places. I think that’s another metaphor for what I’m trying to say.

I have been counting myself so blessed lately. For the sunset walks I get to take, for the place and the arms I get to call home, for being able to build something I can say is mine, for something that grows while I grow. And I’m just taking my time on it- not banging on doors or kicking down walls just to get what I want. I know they will come to me in time. And when I look back, all I have experienced and accomplished so far weren’t because of my works or might or power. It couldn’t have been.

Aileen and Jenna are just some of my inspiration. Funnily enough, I talk about them to people as though they are my actual bestfriends. I remember watching this Lavendaire video where Aileen talks about success and she sounded so content with where she is it was evident she didn’t need anything else. She didn’t pressure herself to do more or to “hustle”. (Btw, she’s driving a Tesla and isn’t in the business of flaunting it!) And she looked so happy. And Jenna, my Jenna. The community that she’s created and the freedom and authority over her own space and time that she has. It always amazes me.

I find myself going back to some mornings. Being in Banff for a weekend and absolutely being carefree and not worrying about anything. When I got home, I thought, “thank you for giving me something to work towards.” I realised how happy it made me. It wasn’t the same feeling I got when I was in a big city that never sleeps like Toronto.

Sometimes I dream of having my name on a building, giving 700 people jobs and salaries. But lately, it’s making me think that a small team of dedicated girls around me working on something big and meaningful would make me happy. And babies. I’m so excited for my own family. 10 years, Nikki!!!!! I dream of waking up slow always. (And being giddy, because you bet I made money while I was asleep haha! Going after those Stripe and Paypal notifications, y’all. *ka-ching!* haha!)

How do I even comprehend it? Or communicate it?

I just dream of a life where my heart is happy. Where I’m not working for money, but I have my money working for me. Where Time is my only currency. I’m getting there slowly, but certainly.

And I think I’ll allow myself grace and not be frustrated about it anymore. Because I never stopped judging myself— whether I was dreaming of the hustler’s life or this. My word of the year, “Stride” is really coming up more and more as I go through 2019. And I’m so glad I have it to anchor me. To remind me to always go back to heart. To the pace of grace.

The snow is slowly melting and soon, my walks will get longer and I get to have picnics and journal sessions by the grass. For now, It’s all muddy and blurry and a bit dirty, but that’s the earth in transition. It won’t take a while until it’s sure of itself again. Just needs a bit of grace.

And likewise, I let myself be.

Happy first day Spring, my friends :)

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As always,

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