Wake Me Up In Banff | An Ode to You

banff.png

You are such a good reminder that some things aren’t earned.

That grace can come in forms we can never expect it to, that most times, that’s how it actually is. I’m taking my time easing back into reality because I've realized I want to know how to receive. And you’ve taught me just that.

It’s so nice to be reminded that there are more things. There could be more things. It’s nice to be reminded of some things that matter too and to allow myself the grace to want them. Every now and then, during the first day, I would go back to thoughts of not feeling deserving, that I shouldn’t have it, that I shouldn’t feel this way (at least YET) or get these things (YET) and it really reintroduced me to my subconscious. Life is here. Life is now. And in your warmth, I found the present. “I’m just so glad I said “YES.””

It never felt rational. It never felt mature. It never felt like the right thing to do, but know that that morning, there was nowhere else I would rather be.

Life has just been handing me lessons and I feel blessed. Some things don’t look like you but everything is You. I am so loved. I don’t know when this feeling of not being worthy will go. Maybe soon, maybe never, maybe eventually. But I know this-- it is all grace.

I want to learn how to see your face in everything. I choose to see you. Trust you. Trust that I am in your hands always. The mountains gave me solace and safety and a sense of peace and calmness I didn’t know I was missing. I didn’t know how it would look like from here on, but I am glad it happened. I am grateful that no matter what, I am surrounded by You. That you are in me so I don’t have to look for You anywhere or try to make sense of whether it is You because it’s all You. That I will find You wherever I set my foot on so I will always be safe, protected and provided for.

I woke up to you and the mountains and white sheets and warm skin and said to myself, “I am so lucky.” And it was true. I hope for more days filled with freedom and bliss and youthfulness and charm. My intentions are of ease and love. A life filled with love and laughter because that’s what life should be made of. And I get to have it now.

I realize more and more just who you are. The embodiment of grace. How you love. A love that doesn't depend on me, on what I do, on who I am, on the choices I make. A love that gives so freely and without any precaution.

Thank you. For seeing me, in all the clothes I wear, thoughts I think, words I speak, food I eat and nevertheless, still loving me. For deeming me worthy in spite of everything. I am loved. And that’s for sure.

I love writing so much it seems like the words just keep flowing. I am so full. Is this what travel does? What that kind of experience does? This happiness is just.. satisfying.

I am so grateful that I had been there to live that. And you use everything to show me who you are.

You pursue me in the mountains, in coffeeshops, in the late night drive under the stars. You are everywhere and even when I feel like wanting to hide, there’s no running away. And I found that there’s no need to.

Because your arms are always open. You remain gentle and loving and ever forgiving and kind patient and you make everything work together for my happiness.

You are the one who guards my heart, who recalculates, who tells me where I’m supposed to be. Because you work everything for me. You teach me how to love. You teach me the right way I should be pursued. You show me grace in abounding amounts and my words, my words are overflowing.

You are so good. You are so faithful.

Thank you for loving me recklessly.