My Mornings Are Mine | What This Season Is Teaching Me
Im currently writing this in a coffee shop-- I'm blogging. I'm actually blogging. There's a ton of things to do but when I asked myself what I wanted, it is to just sit and write. To take my time without feeling guilt.
Today I met the woman sitting next to me. We ended up talking for an hour while having our lunch -- she had salad and I had pasta ("the best on your menu" was my order, by the way)
I cant believe Im using the principles I learnt from Matthew Hussey's book to start conversations with women.. okay works for me!! Haha! She was working on some graphics and doing her emails and it turned out she's the marketing manager of this Italian restaurant called Al Forno and 6 others. One staff handed her her food and I joked about her having the dream job.
"I dont believe in a dream job."
As always, my inquisitive self asked, "Why not?"
"I just think there are many things worth pursuing more than a paycheque."
"That's one way to look at it! But I mean, a job doesnt necessarily mean just a paycheque. Other people are able to find purpose and joy in it"
We had different ways to put it, but in the end, our hearts were the same because we both believed in finding freedom.
The other day I was listening to this interview of Liz Gilbert by Lewis Howes and it got stuck in my head. Liz talked about absolute values and how +10 (success) and -10 (failure) have the same distance from 0 (your creative home).
The original reason for my going to Calgary was to help my aunt with their garage sale (which had been so fun for my first time!!) but the days leading up to it, I found myself more anxious to go to leave for a bit. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. A draining one. Ive emptied my cup pouring and pouring and the filled it back up with things that arent really helpful. My priorities were all over the place and Ive been putting off things that actually matter to make space for.. clutter.
I want to go back to zero. Zero is my home, where I'm not running for anything or anyone. Where I'm at peace. It's just me and the things Im creating. Where Im not comparing. Where I look at my visions with hope instead of frustration. Where Im not so consumed by compliments and praises. Where I just am.
I fricking missed this. Just watching people, writing about my feelings or whatever's happening, taking my time. Ive also been waking up early and guess what? It's not for meetings or to catch up with work or chase deadlines. Im back to my slow mornings meditating, journaling, doing yoga, reading and wow, I almost forgot how good it feels to take care of myself in all aspects and put me first. Before I go and make breakfast for the fam, before I return to editing, I fill myself up.
I have several days here before I go home and I just want to be clear with my intentions. And there's one thing I'm looking for right now, balance.
Ive learnt so much from July, both from the people, experiences and the choices I was making. I learnt about myself, realised where I am with my craft right now and I have been reflecting on where I really wanna go. I'm really grateful with the people and experiences that Ive been attracting, we just have to be better at filtering them and being mindful of the things we allow to take up space in our lives.
Also, I realised how so much of a "YES!" girl I am. I would say yes to anything as long as it fits on an empty with my calendar! Haha. And that's just not the way to go. In the process of it all, I lost heart. I lost sight of the bigger picture and lost time for things that actually matter. I'm alllll about helping other people build their dreams, but it shouldnt cost me losing sight of mine and questioning myself should it?
Meditation and journaling has been my saving grace! My practice had been all over the place but since getting here and being clear on my intentions, I made them non-negotiables. I got myself the five-minute journal, which has been game-changing! And Im quick to get a pen and turn to my journal when an idea or a feeling comes up.
I was meditating yesterday morning, using a guided meditation and found myself crying when I was told to imagine meeting the version of myself a month from now. And then I imagined her giving me a hug, thanking me for taking care of her. And you know what? She looked so happy and radiant and free. I watched her turn her face towards the sun and I couldnt stop looking. That's what I wanna be. Before I aspire of becoming someone else, I want to be aligned with my highest self first.
Once Im back to Edmonton I'm planning to enroll into some meditation classes and cancel my gym subscription because I noticed Im more motivated doing it at home or going for long walks. I only signed up to go with mommy anyway. Oops.
I love what I do.. so much. I just failed to realise that I have to learn how to still be separate from it. That I am not what I do. That I am not the services I provide or anything I could ever create. My worthiness does not depend on the number of bookings and appointment on my calendar.
I have enough time. I dont have to prove anything to anyone, not even to myself. I am loved and I am seen and I'm doing great! As long as I give my whole heart into what I do, I can never fall short no matter how frustrated I can be with my skills and abilities.
I'm catching up on my breath now and everyday it goes steadier and steadier. Sometimes I still falter when I look outside but I'm learning to look within. Because within, everything looks perfect. It looks peaceful. It feels beautiful.
I'd love to say I'm in love again, but when I think about it, I never stopped being in love. It just got soo clouded. And I promise, from here on, it's only love. And kindness and honesty and patience. Both for others and myself. I wont have place from everything else that would keep me from that.
I'll leave you with the quote that's been my anchor the past week..